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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26712817">Searching for Solace</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrywoods/pseuds/cherrywoods'>cherrywoods</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Note (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:13:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26712817</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrywoods/pseuds/cherrywoods</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a year since Mello's death and his significant other is struggling to cope with the grief.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mello | Mihael Keehl/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Searching for Solace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been one year since I lost him. The man that swore to always protect me, the friend I grew up with, the one person I ever truly loved... was gone.</p><p>I glanced at the clock on the wall, 1:00 am. I've lived through a year's worth of hours without him yet the hour that passed on this day felt like time had reset itself. The wound wasn't reopened, it was repeated like a time loop straight from hell. </p><p>A quick survey of the room showed exactly what this wound has done to me. A layer of dust coated every surface. Cigarettes overflowed in the ashtray. Sustenance that allowed me to reach this painful day such as beer cans, empty liquor bottles, and pizza boxes littered the floor. The remaining space on the floor was taken up by clothes, all of them mine, his clothes stayed in the closet where they belonged. </p><p>I felt my gut twist into a tight ball. His clothes. I need to feel them. I need to feel like he's with me, even if it's just for a moment, it'll be the only moment that matters. </p><p>I sprung from the couch, unfortunately my body wasn't expecting my urgency as I collapsed on the floor. I let out a frustrated cry and slammed my fists into the cold floor, lowering my forehead in defeat. I stayed that way for a few minutes, hoping the twist in my gut would subside but it was still ever present, I had to get to his clothes. I had to get to what I had left of him that was tangible. I slowly stood back up and made my way to his closet.</p><p>I yanked the door open and froze. The insatiable yearning that was twisting and burning in my stomach came out of me in the form of an inhuman wail. Everything was exactly how he had left it, not a thing was out of place. It was like he never left. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I could feel him coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist, his strong chest pressing into my back, his breath tickling my ear, asking me if I was raiding his closet again. My eyes remained closed as warm tears streamed down my face. I never wanted to open my eyes again. I couldn't face reality, not right now, I'm with him again. </p><p>"Mihael" </p><p>His name felt effervescent on my tongue, it gave me strength. I was ready to open my eyes again. </p><p>I scanned every piece of clothing until I found what I was looking for, his leather vest. I gently touched the round zipper on the vest, shivering at the cold metal. Next I ran my fingers down the smooth leather, taking in every inch of the piece of clothing. My hand reunited with the zipper, tugging it down I pulled the vest off of the hanger and carefully placed it on the bed. I peeled my shirt off and flung it on the floor with the rest of my various discarded clothes. </p><p>As soon as the vest touched my skin I felt a glowing warmth radiate through my entire body. Tears threatened to break free again but I wasn't going to allow it. I don't want my sorrow to stain this vest, that's not what it's meant for, that's not what it represents. When I put this vest on, I am strong. I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, awaiting his presence once again.</p><p>I could swear that I felt the weight of him sinking beside me on the bed. I felt his fingers dance up my arm, finally resting on the right side of my cheek. My face flushed at his touch, I needed this, to feel him calm me down and wash my pain away. Even in death he comes to me when I need him the most. Do I dare reach out my hand to touch him? I couldn't stop myself as my hand glided over to where I felt he was, only to be met with the softness of my bedsheets. My eyes snapped open, tightly gripping the bedsheets I let out a small growl. I was frustrated with myself for selfishly giving in to my desire and breaking my fantasy. He's gone, he's not coming back, why can't I accept that? </p><p>I looked down at the vest that was suffocating me now, engraining itself into my body as if to say "This is all you have left, let him go". I let out a bellowing scream as I yanked the zipper down, tossed my arms out of the sleeves and flung it at the wall. I dropped to my knees and started to weep. My shoulders shook uncontrollably, my vision was completely blurred and the knot in my stomach returned. I felt my eyelids get heavier and suddenly everything went black.</p><p>It felt like hours had passed as I laid grief stricken on the floor. I slowly opened my eyes, rolled over on my back and propped myself up with my elbows so I could get a better view of the clock. The red numbers glared at me, 5:00 am. My eyes dropped down to the vest I had tossed aside, now mingling with the other clothes I had deemed worthless of receiving any attention. I crawled over to the vest and clutched it to me, the scent of leather and his cologne filled my nostrils. My knees felt wobbly as I stood back up. I turned around and faced the closet, still clutching the vest to my chest I slowly walked towards the place where I could lay my sorrow to rest. I picked up the hanger and placed the vest back to its original spot. Smiling softly, I stared at the vest for a few minutes, taking in everything it represented. I pulled the closet door closed for the last time. This is it Mihael. I can let you rest now, I'll see you again someday.</p>
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